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Notes on Staying

March 23, 2009

It seems despite all my efforts and prayers, God has plans for me here. I still don’t know what those are, but masquerading as a sinking, unsettled feeling in my stomach, He gave me an answer.

And the answer was “Stay.”

I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to ignore it, pass it off as fear, but He was grave and insistent.
Stay.

Awhile back, I was reading a blog that said the following: “I am finding that is better to be where God wants you than to be where you want to be. ”

Where I want to be is mountains and oceans, new towns and people, new sunlight pouring through new windows as I arrange my books in a new home, new farmer’s markets, and a new me. But His Hands on my shoulders are heavy and kind. I am beginning to understand what it means to be where He wants me. And I am gaining peace about it, day by day. This rampant wanderlust, this urge to go and do and see, it’s still there. But its voice is getting quieter, though not weaker. I am struggling to accept that I don’t always know what’s best for me, and that things are good can still be hard and leave you gritting your teeth. I don’t always want what He wants or what’s best, but I will accept it on pure faith, the kind that seeps from your backbone and not always your heart.

Spring is coming in West Michigan, and I know that it’s going to be beautiful.

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. Sandra permalink
    March 23, 2009 8:21 am

    me too. I tried so hard, and it didn’t even work a little bit.

  2. Caroline permalink*
    March 23, 2009 8:33 am

    At least we are staying in the same place together.
    I am glad of that at least. πŸ™‚

  3. Grandma Carr permalink
    March 23, 2009 9:00 am

    Sweet Caroline…Your decisionmaking process has been foremost in my prayers. You probably know what I mean when I say that many years ago I prayed for ‘my will’ to be done’ but God said, NO! He had other plans for me. And as time went on I was so blessed to see His plans unfold in my life. He audibly spoke…”go on with life and look for My blessings”. What a bounty of blessings He gave! He has the wisdom of the ages…we see only yesterday and today. He is our Father and He LOVES to surprise His children! Peace and love, Grandma

  4. March 23, 2009 9:21 am

    Yeah I’m gonna need more than that. I neglected to ask about this last night. Are you free on Tuesday?

  5. Caroline permalink*
    March 23, 2009 9:33 am

    Thanks Grandma. πŸ™‚ Your faith has always been an inspiration to me, and I am so glad to have you alongside me as I work through life.

    Love you!

  6. Caroline permalink*
    March 23, 2009 9:34 am

    Victor,

    I figured you’d need more. πŸ™‚ I am free on Tuesday evening. Want to meet at the Sparrows around 7pm?

  7. March 23, 2009 9:49 am

    1035 Wealthy, right?

  8. Misterwrite permalink
    March 23, 2009 9:55 am

    I feel for you. I’ve been there. I’ve tried to convince God that this specific thing SHOULD be His will for me (as though I expected him to stroke his beard and say, “Hmmm. You make some good points, Mike. I think I like your way better.”). It takes courage to say, “What I really want to do isn’t what God wants me to do, so I’ll put it aside.”

    Are you familiar with the Four Spiritual Laws? The first one states: “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.” But I think that’s too “me-centered,” the focus being the wonderful plan for ME! As though following God guarantees our life will ALWAYS be wonderful! I’m in favor of changing it slightly; how about: “God loves you and has a wonderful plan of which you can be part.”? That still keeps God’s love and His wonderful master plan, but doesn’t imply that we’ll always get what we want and will always be deliriously happy. After all, this ain’t heaven. We have a role to play in His plan and everything will work out for the best in the end, but it’s just not possible for everyone’s dream to come true every time.

    Sorry, I’m sermonizing again. God bless you as you grapple with real life, and may you find His will fulfilling.

  9. Caroline permalink*
    March 23, 2009 9:56 am

    Yessir. πŸ™‚
    See ya then!

  10. Caroline permalink*
    March 23, 2009 9:59 am

    Hey Mike, I don’t mind some sermonizing. I appreciate it, actually! πŸ™‚

    I like your image of God stroking His beard and agreeing with us — it made me laugh. I think you are right about God’s plan and His love, and I am learning how that plays out in life. I don’t like telling anyone “no,” least of all God, and I honestly don’t think, at least in something major like this, I could tell Him “no.” He says something, I will listen, no matter what I want. Because prior experience (and basically the entire universe) tells me that He’s always irritatingly right. But He still loves me. Even when I complain and pout and don’t get it.

    So thanks. πŸ™‚

  11. Amanda permalink
    March 23, 2009 1:07 pm

    Caroline,
    we have to stay here in Grand Rapids with me. We have so much left to do together and so much more time to blossom our friendship.
    Know that I am sad your a tich upset about not leaving but on the side I’m dancing that your not πŸ™‚

  12. Caroline permalink*
    March 23, 2009 1:09 pm

    Amanda,

    Thanks. πŸ™‚ I think part of my reasoning for staying is that in a way, my life here (like my independent, adult life) is just getting started. Reconnecting with people like you, building friendships and relationships, it’s important. And I don’t want to miss out on that.

    I’m excited for Friday, so we can dance together! While I am sad that what I was looking for didn’t happen, I am happy that God is leading my steps and that whatever they may be, they will be good!

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