Skip to content

Who Knew Hold Music Was So Kinky?

August 5, 2009

I’m going through an online music library right now to find a new music track for the “hold” setting on our phone system at work, and I am encountering some of the most bizarre (and creepiest) titles for tracks. I thought you all could use a slightly bewildered laugh in your day!

Titles such as…

  • I’d Split Agnes
  • Faith in my Harem
  • Hector’s Feminine Side
  • Gulliver’s Grins
  • Gladiator in my Jeans
  • Love in the Biosphere
  • Napa Valley Hangover
  • Patchouli Aphrodisiac
  • Pixie Cage Match
  • Playas Time Share
  • Random Shouting
  • Shamrock Droppings
  • Six Painted Psychos
  • Smile or Else
  • Suicide Note
  • Tell it to the Wrist
  • That Tissue Will Cost You
  • The Insecure Butterfly
  • Yoga Tantrum

I’m trying to picture the type of person whose job it is to come up with names for this generic, royalty-free music that one hears in elevators and when AT&T has put you on hold for the seventh time in three minutes. I just picture this dark room with exposed pipes,  filled with haphazard piles of file folders and old coffee cups, and some really bitter, slightly jumpy guy sitting at an old computer from the ’90s, next to a synthesizer, laughing, smoking a cigarette, and hating his job. (Basically, it’s Dwight from “The Office,” short-sleeved dress shirt and all, but even creepier and much less enthusiastic.)

“Heh, I bet Hector’s gay…I should totally name the next one ‘Hector’s Feminine Side,'” he mutters to himself, musing on his vendetta against Hector, the janitor, because of that one time Hector stood him up when they were supposed to go see “Star Trek” together.

Hmmm. I feel sad for Imaginary Hold Music Writer Guy. He needs to get outside, breathe in some air, put on some really good music, like Joni Mitchell or Sufjan Stevens, and remember that life isn’t all that bad. Just avoid elevators and corporate phone systems. You can do it, IHMWG.

Advertisements
One Comment leave one →
  1. missshortskirt permalink
    August 6, 2009 10:35 am

    Gladiator in my Jeans???

    Someone’s got a thing for Russell Crowe

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: