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A Prayer on October 24, 2009 at 10:00pm

October 25, 2009

I use You sometimes, You know. I grab You and shake You in front of me, like a rag doll, just to prove that yeah, I’m that Godly woman that people can admire and love, and somewhere inside, it all feels like a big sham. Because I know that I’m using You and sometimes, I don’t care.

And then minutes later, hours later, when the glow of the world’s approval has faded and I realized that I misused and assaulted and abused You again, I’m disgusted with myself, and fall to my knees, begging Your forgiveness. And of course, You give it to me, knowing You will be forgiving me again shortly for something else.

Sometimes all I feel like is a huge failure. Sometimes I feel like all I do is disappoint You and fail to live up to these expectations that so many have laid before me. Reading the Bible gets painful, because Paul (and everyone else) is ruthless, hammering the demands of Your kingdom into me so hard that I’m left clamping my hands on my ears, screaming that it’s too loud, it’s too much, it’s too hard.

Following You is really, really, really freakin’ hard.
Harder than anything else I have ever done.
Harder than anything else I will ever do.
Harder than marriage and friendships and people and community and the lids on pickle jars.
I don’t think anything else could be so damn hard.

It’s like walking through an antique shop with a blindfold and roller skates on. You know that every time you even breathe wrong, you will be bumping into something, knocking off this, breaking that, and destroying something else that is precious and valuable. For me, it’s my self-control, my selflessness, my willingness to listen. I knock these things over all the time and break them over and over and over again.

And yet You never seem to get tired of sweeping up the pieces, throwing them away, and insisting I owe You nothing.

I don’t get it.

Your love, Your unfailing, uncontrollable, infallible, reckless, senseless love makes absolutely no sense to me. And sometimes, I resent it because I know I don’t deserve it.

I wreck and break and drop and destroy and trip and fall all over everything that You gave me and all that You made and still You can call me Your beloved? How is that? What is WRONG with You?

But here’s the thing:
I don’t understand it, but I need it more than anything else in the world.

Without this ridiculous love, nothing else makes sense.

No husband would be good enough, no relationship secure enough, no work fulfilling enough, no distraction appealing enough – none of it would mean anything without You and this crazy love of Yours.

So I’m left with no choice but to run – in this blindfold and these roller skates, I will still be running for my life, even if I look like a cartoon character while doing it. Even though I will inevitably fail much more than I will succeed; I don’t know what else to do. I know nothing else that is worth doing.

Loving You is the only thing I will ever be sure I want to do my entire life.
Even if it seems to be the thing I do the worst.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Amber permalink
    October 26, 2009 9:12 pm

    Wow! I completely understand. Sometimes it’s so hard for me to be honest with God because I can’t really find the words to say, but what you’ve just written is what I’ve been trying to tell Him all along. How can someone have so much patience with me? How can I keep screwing up, but stand before Him perfect? I wish that I could just be okay with Him and everything He is (that stuff I know & don’t understand), and me being a new creation, but my questioning mind just won’t let me sometimes.

  2. Matthew 6:33 permalink
    November 1, 2009 9:39 am

    Absolutely. I felt like I was reading a page out of my own journal.

  3. Caroline permalink*
    November 15, 2009 11:15 pm

    @ Amber!

    Ah, those questioning minds of ours. A gift and a curse, equally. However, even in all my confusion, it is a great comfort that I can hide nothing from God and that He always understands me better than I even understand myself. I can come honestly to Him because there is nothing He doesn’t yet know and hasn’t already forgiven me for. He knows it all.

    And still loves me.
    Wow.

    Thanks for reading!
    Grace and peace.

  4. Caroline permalink*
    November 15, 2009 11:15 pm

    @ Matthew 6:33!

    I had a feeling I couldn’t be the only one who felt like this. It’s a great comfort to know that we are in this thing together.

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